morningcloud

in approximately 3 hours our country will celebrate our 50th Independance Day! Yay!! so proud of my country. i suddenly realised that each year of merdeka was very different for me. each year hold a significant memories that cannot be erased from my mind forever. They were special and really special!i feel it is the time of the year where i’ve move on one step higher and further in my life. well, want to know what i’m talking about??? it started with merdeka 2002……..

2002- excited! the day i met someone whom i’ve known very long on9, someone who is nice to chat to despite his looks, someone whom became my first love. went to pyramid, watched lilo & stitch with him and frens…. and the rest was history. too much to elaborate though….

2003- one year passed…and we(still the same person) decided to reenact the same situation one year ago. this time without our frens. i was sick, wearing a hat and our r/ship were not very good then. still trying to save things. we actually wore the same clothes one year ago and went for a movie which i forgot the title and took sticker photo… it was nice even though i looked pale. at that time i was still undergoing treatment. so, i think that is the reason he still be with me till the very last day of chemo, he left. which was around october… but we still remained good frens.

2004- merdeka was celebrated with my ‘dolphin’. dolphin came all the way far far away to c me. was so happy=) went for countdown at ikano and supper. he bought me a ring during this trip down. he was serious with me. but at that time i still not ready to be committed. nevertheless, i was happy that he can find time to be with me.

2005-stpm year…dolphin cant make it to c me this time.oh no……..i forgot about merdeka this year…..(paused……nvm just forget it)

2006-i was  by myself in the hostel.while my hubby went to perform. wanted to go but rained heavily. So, merdeka in the room seorg seorg. then the next day went back to kl with hubby.. that time was the first to be back in kl just for 3 or 4 days of holidays after 2 months in terengganu. the feeling was great to be back home where i stayed. the trees looks greener and i look darker.

2007- present. by myself in our rented house in terengganu. missing hubby terribly. the feeling is different, half of me is not with me and i feel one piece of jigsaw puzzle is missing. but i’m waiting for the day for it to be completed again =)hehe  now i can relax and have my own private time which i long for it. feel happy!!!

you see, its been 4 years of ups and down and the other 2 somehow its different. wondering what meaning does it hold? =) =)

2008-? unpredictable

anyway, Happy Merdeka ppl!!enjoy it wherever u are…its a national holiday but here it is just another weekend..

how do we know that we’ve found the one?! ppl always ask me and i’ll ask them back the same question. there is no right or wrong answer, when n where, how and why…
i feel so down for no reason….nothing that he do is wrong here. just my own feeling and thoughts and perceptions towards him. Is he the one? The one i wan2 spend the rest of my life with. plan for the future together and committed to each other.Is this what i want from him?
After one year, the feeling dampens. no more excitement, no more long talks, even long walk at the beach(cant blame though, so bz till cant breath). how come after a year, i always feel like this? even with my past, i also feel the same. how to overcome this. is my expectation too high. or it is just me? my head wanna burst really……… i believe human must hv some kind of expectation then only can move forward ma. but with hubby?! i’m jz letting him be himself n me be myself. whatever turns out in the future is our rezeki……. i love u hubby…….always will. even u havent go back…….but i already miss u like hell. 24 hours isn’t enough. i know i duno cry how many times ady, thats y now i hide in room. i dun1 to let u c i cry again. every time i hug u i cry. i think of u i cry. not i scared to stay here, just the half of me is already gonna leave me for 4 days……. i dun1 us to break in the future. my head really cant think anymore…later at night b4 u board the bus will sweetie cry again? i can imagine the situation ady……then if i drive back then i sure cry again. Yes!i’m a crybaby. ur crybaby… u said b4, if i always c the bad side of u, i’ll nvr b happy. i’m trying vy vy hard to accept u as u r. i know i can. however, sometimes i cant feel ur love…….oh god..pls show me the way.

Now i’m keeping my fingers crossed….just hope it reach the destination and come back to me in time by monday. IT is so important and what i can do is just to sit here and wait. Nothing that i can do. i’ve done all i can and now just see the outcome. Hope everything turns up well. i cant help but to worry too at times. official stuff a lot of birocracy..damn ma fan…

today was just another ordinary day…woke up, study, online, laze around…. til when go campus tat time suddenlt they tell got pukat test. my god! no time practice also, but can do ler…hehe based on experience and observation merr….
then suddenly siti told me that i got the jpa scholarship!!! macam tak percaya….really…happy la me!!!! i totally forgotten that i applied for it. sometimes thought of it also think that also wont get la….other ppl get better results sumor of m race. but then thank god i got it. i nvr receive any kind of scholarship b4…still duno what to expect. further details later only know.
then heard of some words that was quite hurtful to hear lo…but nvm….sad for a while then ok d la…. this is life! as long as i do my best and be sincere everything will turn out fine.

Last saturday, our course went to pulau bidong for a field trip or what they called as Operasi Laut. haha…..go out sea again after one year. so fast one year has passed after the Survival Laut Program. At first excited ler.. can sit boat and go somewhere. or else its just campus, go back home, mydin, sleep, finish report and the whole cycle continues. Majority of my close frens also go together including my hubby *.* hehe only 15 ppl from my course. hmmm….wonder what we do leh for this operasi laut. sound geng or not…? fishery student sure must go out ke laut la to catch fish. or else how to lead next time right…cheh wah… puji diri ady…. ok… 3 main activities there….
1. tangkap ikan- pukat tunda (trawling)
the catch wasn’t that much that i’ve expected. fish a bit only and others are trash..as in those that cant be eaten…also saw sand dollar, ikan sebelah, sea cucumber…small small fishes. oh we even caught seahorse and hermit crab. We didnt do much for this pukat tunda. we are suppose to write report also after this. usually trawling takes 2 hours.. so fisherman just wait n wait…n when the pull it up and see so few yield…haih how sad right.
then during this activity also many of my frens also started to feel dizzy dizzy d…..then start to vomit!!! omg!!! the experience i would not forget lerr my whole life…. saw one guy vomit everthing out right in front of me… that time me, hubby, wk n boon sumor eating twisties and choc cake happily… aiyo!! not only once…many many times wei!!!! then we reach the island d…rest..eat…take bath and up for second activity.

2. Memancing + Pukat hanyut(gill nets)
this is worst… as in start to feel tired d…whole day on boat and the boat moving left right left right…..then after released to net into the sea n have to wait also for 2 hours like tat, we try to fish using the mata kail that we tied during practical that time. unfortunately…we didnt get any fish that day. i ddnt get anyting except for seeing my frens vomit again..aiyo…imagine while fishing n looking into the water…suddenly see got white white brown brown thing floating in the sea. i sumor ask ’siapa punya tu??!’ then sh at the other side there vomiting n weak ady…kesian i tengok.. got many other ppl vomit also n sea sick…even big guys like eddy also.. my god. luckily me n hubby also ok lerr….hehe..we didnt get anything from fishing n pukat hanyut…then we chao back to island. oh ya… pukat hanyut get jelly fish only which are useless and fishing got one guy got 3 fishes from his own fishing rod.
when reach island d then still early ma…we can do what we want…thats the best part- swimming!!! wah so long nvr swim d then go rendam in seawater for duno long. quite long ler…till puas. super puas and relaxing wei…  haha think also happy d… can feel the warm water and when we reach thermocline where the temperature suddenly drops…wahhhh….super relaxing. just float and do ntg =)=)=)
after dinner and rest and its time for the third activity =)

3. candat sotong- jigging
thought it was fun… lastime go redang that time didnt get to go candat sotong as it was expensive. now got chance to experience it! i feel the best part is sit boat into the sea at night. really a great experience that i’ll nvr forget. where its night and the only source of light u have is from your boat. its was windy and the wave was strong….the feeling was amazing…a bit scared also like what if the boat terbalik or sum1 fall into the sea. really cant help d lo…. oh.. and basically candat sotong is where u put the umpan down till the sea bottom and move the string up. up n up n up…my god. just do that till u dapat candat the sotoong lo.my hand tired like hell but still didnt get any. sad la…go fishing didnt get, candat also tak doh….not my luck lerr..
then go back island liao….no fish no sotong=no barbecue
nothing to do= sleep =) until……… suddenly…..all the lights off!!! generator spoil….oh no..in total darkness wei….sumbody help me….. oh then i realised i got torchlight in my bag.. happy sikit…can shine shine on ppl… after much talking and decision making coz duno sleep where as the hostel room is stuffy…we still try to sleep in the room lo….lie down a while then sleep d lo…haha sleepy head la me. woke up once only got mosquito then sleep back til they wake us up oh at 7. walau eh….that type of condition also can sleep like pig. without pillow lagi and bedsheet also ppl sleep b4 one.n sandy everywhere also can sleep…when wake up that time thought can go bck d…yay!!! but….story havent end. it rained and current was very strong. what to do…have to wait till it subsides til until 9 something or 10 only started to take boat back to merang jetty. at last!can go back n take bath properly d! it was full of experience and i believe it will be with me throughout my life!
Life is full of experience and i’ll never regret my decision to come to terengganu to study and meet a whole new lot of ppl..hehe just must tolerate the simple basic condition in pulau bidong.

as i type this it was 245 am and still awake. coz u know why??i just woke up lo. cant tahan just now so sleep d. hubby now eating the maggi mee that i cook and me now must ganbatte!many things to do! chao!!

even life is ok here, many who considered my life now as blissful,  bahagia, xinfu, i feel empty at times. i miss home. i my daddy and my mummy. so so much. i wanna hug them so much. i never hug my daddy. i never tell him how much i love him. i suddenly miss him, i wanna talk to him. but we seldom talk on phone. we only talk about official stuff. i miss the time i go watch movie with him. even though he may look stern or sour face, actually he’s a very very good daddy. i miss him so much….what i know is to cry at vulnerable times….i feel so helpless. i need someone whom i can depend on, not he depend on me. i duno how to cook, i need my mummy. i feel sad now.